It is the year 2012 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am
going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is
destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to
build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete
the Ark and
bring everything
aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas
of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He
shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did
my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for
construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over
whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor
objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so
I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife
Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union
and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark,
but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got
the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very
kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the
Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking
godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid
paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user
tax and failed to register the Ark
as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore
unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark
for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
AMEN