Saturday, January 14, 2012

Church Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Half-time - The period between Sunday chool and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket – This is what happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defence - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer

Friday, January 13, 2012

Ten Verses Added to the New Testament

Ten Verses Not In the Original New Testament
Taken from Misquoting Jesus by Bart D. Ehrman
These are verses that are not in the earliest copies of these books:
I John 5:7   “There are three that bear witness in heaven, the father, the word, and the Holy Spirit.”
John 8: 7   “Let the one who is without sin among you be the first to cast a stone at her.”  Actually that whole story was not originally in the New Testament.
John 8:11  “Neither do I condem you. Go and sin no more.”
Luke 22:44   ”In his anguish Jesus began to pray more earnestly and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling to the ground.”
Mark 16:17  “These signs will accompany those who believe in my name they will cast out demons and they will speak with new tongues.”
Mark 16:18   “And they will take up snakes in their hands, and if they drink any poison it will not har, and they will lay their hand on the sick and they will become well.”
Luke 22:20   “And in the same way after supper Jesus took the cup and said, ‘This cup is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood.”
John 5:4  “For an angel of the Lord went dow at certain times into the pool and disturbed the waters:”
Luke 24:12  “But Peter rose up and ran to the tomb, and stooping down to look in, he saw the lined clothes by themselves. And he went away to his own home, marveling at what had happened.”
Luke 24:51  “And when Jesus blessed them he departed from them and he was taken up into heaven.”

Thursday, January 12, 2012


This man is really interested in a pair of boots and would do anything for them. The Devil offered him the boots with one exception, that he has to give up his soul. The man accepts the offer and goes on his way with the boots. 

One morning a year later he looks at his boots and says, "These boots sure have worn down, I'll go talk to the Devil again." He goes up to the Devil and asks to get the boots re-souled.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Strange Church Story

A church bought three new stainless steel bowls and a set of hand towels for their Lent foot washing ceremony.

They came just in time and were used then carefully stored for the next years use. Lent came again and they went to retrieve the bowls and towels from storage but they were not to be found. The pastor looked every where he could think of but no luck.

Later in the fall the church had a chili supper to raise money. The pastor walked in the fellowship hall for the meal and in shock saw the foot washing bowls in use as salad serving bowls and the towels in use by the crew for wiping the serving counter.

Sadly this is a true story 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Seeds of Faith

Most farmers know that not all the seeds they plant will germinate and provide part of the crop. In the Gospel according to Matthew Jesus taught the parable of the “Sower” alluding to our planting the seeds of the Gospel in others.

We may tell a lot of people about our faith in Jesus as the Son of God and get discouraged by how many do not seem to listen. Jesus encourages us not to despair or give up in doing good and spreading the good news. We know that a portion of the seed we sow will bear fruit. Some of the seed will produce a crop of ten fold, a hundred fold or even a thousand fold.

We like Jonny Appleseed may not ever see the harvest but others that come after us will. I have witnessed this in my own ministry.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Religious Fund Raising?

An abbey was in financial difficulties, and to increase its income the brothers decide to open a fish and chips business. 

One day the abbey door bell rang and one of the brothers went to welcome a customer. 

When he opened the door the customer said, "Are you the fish fryer?" 

The brother said, "No, I'm the chip monk."