A Child's Version of the Bible

A Friend gave me this today

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing
but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God
is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God
said, “Give me a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam
and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven
from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though,
because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he
was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but
one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put
his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to
join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a
really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These
plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed
the Israel Lights everyday with manicotti.

Then He gave them His top ten Commandments. These include don’t lie,
cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s bottom (the Bible uses a
bad word for bottom that I’m not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it
sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought
of one more: Humor they father and they mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell
over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and
500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound
very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t
know much about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,
“Close the door! Were you born in a barn” It would be nice to be
able to say, “Yes mom., don’t you remember, I was.”

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many
leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the
Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the
Pilot. Pilot didn’t stickup for Jesus. He just washed his hands
instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He
went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.